Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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