so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
