My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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