the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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