I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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