I CAN MOONWALK!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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