It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
