Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I want her autograph on my taint
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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