Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
