She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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