ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
