1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
