and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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