Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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