My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
