fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
