I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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