your thong is hanging out like whoa
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
