Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
