and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
