His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
