why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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