My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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