I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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