Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
