we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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