you traded sex for a burrito?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
