I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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