Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
