All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want a musical about memes.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
