Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
