i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
