he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
