If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
