Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
