Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
