apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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