I think I won the penis lottery.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
