is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
