Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
