Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
