If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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