Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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