I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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