we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
