just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
