go do what you do best...puke behind churches
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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