oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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