Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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