If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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