actually, I'm a sock model
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
