Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
