Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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