when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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