my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
