So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
