Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
