Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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