New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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