The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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