you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
